When I was pregnant, and even before, there was one thing I was so sure of, that I would breastfeed my baby and that we'd live happy and healthy ever after...
I thought breastfeeding would be so relaxing for me and Micha, that when he would be upset I could lovingly hold him to my chest and feed him. That he would look up at me with such satisfaction and love in his eyes.
I thought that I could catch up on reading and praying and maybe even blogging while I was feeding my baby.
I thought it would make me feel like such a super mom.
I thought it would be easy...
I was wrong. Sometimes it's downright hard and frustrating and not the relaxing and calming moment I was hoping for and counting on.
So many times breastfeeding Micha is a battle, sometimes it makes me feel like I'm not a super mom at all, but a failure.
Like yesterday, I had taken Micha to get his second rounds of shots and later that day it really started to bother him.
His legs were hurting him (where the doctor had given him the shots) and he just felt so miserable. He was crying inconsolably and I couldn't get him to calm done.
I tried to nurse him, but he just wouldn't latch on and when he did he would let go after a few minutes and start screaming at my breasts.
I knew he was hungry so I pumped some milk with my Medela, within a few minutes he had practically inhaled the content of the bottle.
While I was happy that I had fed him, it made me feel so worthless that I couldn't breastfeed him when he needed it most.
I hated seeing my baby in pain, but I hated even more that I, his mama, couldn't calm him down by nursing him.
I broke down and cried.
But then it dawned on me, I was being selfish.
I was so focused on nursing being such a great experience for me that I forgot what it's all about; loving and feeding my baby so that he can grow and be happy and feel loved.
If pumping milk to keep him fed is what he wants at the moment, that's what he should be getting. Even if it makes me feel unnecessary or failing(which I don't need to be feeling in the first place), that's my problem and I have to deal with it.
Being a mom has been such a learning experience for me in being selfless, and putting someone else's needs before mine. It has taught me that it's not about me any more. It has taught me that LOVE means: doing the hard things and not giving up.
With Gods help, I can do the hard things.